one day she say to me:


"lucas,
this picture is head shakingly good. i am amazed. nothing personal but i'm
still shaking my head. why do i think you have had a fine arts education?
is this a left handed compliment? i certainly don't mean it to be."

"i am left-handed," say i. " in latin the word for left-handed is 'sinister', a most unfortunate labeling, but indicative of the modality of our times. dexter being the latin word for right-handed, with its unmistakable implications, has for the most part ruled and over-run the thinking of mankind. the reasonable, temporal, familiar–indeed profane–have all but obliterated the former prevalence of intuitive, direct knowledge, but for the efforts of mystics, seers, and artists... the reasoning mind seeks to close all gaps; stop all leaks, and is thoroughly ensconced within and fascinated by itself. creative though the realms of reason may be, i feel a certain predilection for the open-ended, freedom-seeking kind of abstractions relegated to the realms of the 'unknown', or 'unknowable'."

"Lukie - write more, tell more....
The possibilities seem infinite, time and it's passage the only
constraint.... the gradual oxidative injury of human tissue that marks it's
inexorable motion toward the proverbial dust to which it returns....being
the unavoidable fate of all tissue- the nature of your travails in the ICU-
the mere warding off in the ward with NG tubes, intravascular pressure
monitors, the beeps of the QRS complex on telemetry.. the gradual bulging of
intracellular oedema from which no Lasix can provide respite,the ultimate
change in acid base and electrolyte balance with low ph supervening and
ultimately causing the VT that is refractory to DC shock.... the question is
this- with the dawning of cansciousness comes the realisation of the
inevitability of one's tissue passing away.... what is in the middle that is
worth holding on to?"

"your womb... its your throne," i tell her, "that's somewhere in the middle. for the moment, its easier to speak of whats best to let go of than of what is worth holding on to."

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